


Friendzoned

by Starbird



Series: Friendzoned [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: (It's Just Not Really Important Okay), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, But Damn He's a Good Friend, Cassian and Jyn Won't Talk about What They're Talking About, Cassian is Hopelessly in Love, Cassian is So So Awkward, Denial of Feelings, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, House Party, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Old EU Characters and Canon Cuz That's How I Roll, Sharing a Bed, They're in a Vague City at a Vague School Getting Vague Degrees, Unresolved Sexual Tension, VERY Jealous!Cassian, bad words, because OF COURSE THERE IS, big fight, sex references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-09 02:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15257769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: It was his role, he knew: the brother figure. The best friend. The one Jyn always came to when a boy broke her heart, and she needed him to put the pieces back together. Or when she needed to laugh or do something or complain or work out or hike or study or go grab a bite to eat or a drink or she needed money. He was everything to her the way she was to him.And Cassian Andor was nothing if not a pragmatic man, and he would never do anything, ever, to fuck that up.So it was a damn good thing that he was absolutely, one hundred percent,notin love with Jyn Erso.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This miiiiight wind up getting a(n E-rated) sequel. IDK yet. Rn I'm kinda meh about it. But it's almost completely written; I just have to tie up the ending. I hope you guys like it!! It kinda didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, so I hope it's okay.
> 
> P.S.: Thanks to [TinCanTelephone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone)/[@cats-and-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com) for the brainstorming help!

It was Jyn Erso’s third breakup this year.

As she sobbed dramatically over her fourth whiskey-and-diet at their favorite bar, Cassian Andor arched a dark brow.

“You were only dating him two months,” he pointed out, knowing it would earn him a slap.

Which it did. Jyn lashed out and backhanded his shoulder.

“But I thought…I thought _maybe_ this one would work out. Finally,” she gulped, and then tossed back the rest of her drink. Alcohol always did this to her when she was upset: made her way more dramatic than she actually was. Cassian had known her since they were kids, since she was the girl next door to his foster family. Jyn Erso was nothing if not tough.

Alcohol, unfortunately, made her a total puddle after a breakup.

“Tonc wasn’t right for you,” Cassian said, sliding his beer bottle away from her eager fingers and staring eyes. “Neither was Melshi. Maybe try dating someone _not_ in my cohort?”

“Well, if you’d stop introducing me to them…”

Cassian sighed and said patiently, “I don’t introduce my school friends to you because I’m trying to hook you up with them. I introduce you to them because you and I are friends, and that’s what friends do.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Leia Organa said as she dropped down in the booth next to Jyn, bumping her with her hip and shoving her over. “How are we doing here?”

“I hate men,” Jyn mumbled, face in her hands and brunette hair spilling over.

“Me, too. Cassian, go get me something.”

“I’m not your servant,” he said with a frown. Leia waved him off, and with a resigned sigh, he got up to go order her a prissy drink. As he waited for the bartender (making sure the man remembered _two_ umbrellas), elbow on the bartop, he watched Leia console Jyn, hand rubbing circles on her back. He felt bad for his friend, really, but she kept choosing boyfriends who were terrible matches for her. He knew from the beginning, every time, that they weren’t going to work out. It wasn’t like they were bad guys; far from it. They just…didn’t have what it took to handle Jyn Erso. Cassian did, of course – he knew her better than anyone – but he wasn’t what she was looking for. Jyn had friendzoned him loud and clear, and prom night senior year, when they’d been dancing and had such a great night after her loser date had gotten wasted and had to be carried home early, still stung. Cassian had gone to prom at Jyn’s insistence, even though he hadn’t had a date, and he’d spent the whole evening watching her. Admiring her. Worshiping her.

They spent the night dancing, laughing, flirting. He thought. He _thought_. They stayed until the very end, and Cassian drove her to their favorite all-night diner for a huge sundae. He paid, as he always did. Then they drove out to the nature park and snuck in, hiking to an overlook in her high heels and his dress shoes, laughing as they slipped on the gravel and risked their lives for something stupid, their only light Cassian’s iPhone flashlight. They drank from the flask Jyn had stowed in her clutch, filled with her dad’s best Scotch. It was disgusting and they grimaced with every drink, but soon they felt warm and melty, and Jyn sighed and settled back in Cassian’s lap.

First she was between his legs, and he was holding her around her waist.

Then she readjusted so that her head was on his thighs, and one hand drifted up and down his pants leg while the other plucked at her skirts.

“I don’t want this night to ever end,” she’d told him dreamily.

“Me, neither,” Cassian had replied.

And then Jyn had pushed up from Cassian’s lap and he’d had to swallow a groan, eyes closing for just a moment, and when he opened them again, she was looking right into them.

“Thank you for tonight. My date was such a loser.”

“Anytime,” he’d replied, and his voice had been so… _breathy_. So _raspy_. “Always.”

Then she’d kissed him.

Jyn Erso had kissed him.

It was brief, and when she pulled back, there was a single heartbeat where she waited, waited for his move. Filled with liquid luck and his dreams unfurling right before his very eyes, Cassian grabbed the chance with both hands and took it before he lost his nerve. He kissed her and he kissed her and he _kissed her_. He kissed her lips, her cheeks, her neck, her hair, and his fingers dug into her smooth bare shoulders and this was _everything_ he could ever have wanted and dreamed of and _yes_ , now was his chance, _finally, yes…_

And then…“You’re like a brother to me, Cassian. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”

His whole body had gone ice cold.

The next morning, Jyn acted odd. Conversation was awkward. The next week at school, she avoided him.

They never talked about it. Cassian didn’t even try. It was clear what had happened, and what she wanted. She had a new fling by summer anyway.

Jyn’s summer love was over by September, when college was starting up. She and Cassian had chosen to go to the same school, and they found each other again. It was like nothing had happened on prom night, and Cassian was more than happy to put it behind him. They’d been back to being inseparable ever since.

But even now, five years later, the memory still hurt to touch. Still kept Cassian company on lonely nights. On the nights when Jyn had her dates over to the house she shared with him, Kay Tuesso, and Bodhi Rook, both of whom were in grad school with them.

On those nights, Cassian was especially grateful for his noise-canceling headphones. Grateful for his housemates not wanting to talk about it with him.

“Might want to watch your girl,” the bartender said with a nod toward Jyn as he dropped a second umbrella in Leia’s drink. “She don’t look like she’s doing so good.”

“Yeah, her boyfriend dumped her,” Cassian retorted with a scowl, gripping Leia’s drink hard. The bartender shrugged, unaffected.

“Well, she'll find another one soon enough. Pretty girl like that? Men must be beating down her door.”

Cassian glared. “Just mind your own business.”

The man shrugged again. “Long’s you keep yourself to yourself and stop mooning over that poor woman. She don’t want you, man. She’s made up her mind. Take it from me. I been divorced three times now – ”

“No tip.” Cassian turned away and stalked back to their table, plunking Leia’s drink down in front of her.

“Problem?” she asked sweetly, brows arched high.

“Bartender’s an asshole,” Cassian explained as he slid into the booth. Jyn had quieted and was resting her head on Leia’s shoulder, eyes closed, chest moving rhythmically up and down. Had she actually fallen asleep? “I should probably get Jyn home.”

“But I just got here.”

“And Jyn’s asleep.”

Leia looked down at their friend, whose lips had now parted. “She is that,” she admitted. Then she flicked her hand again in that irritating way she did. “Go on. I have other friends who are showing up in a bit anyway.”

“Thanks, Leia.” Cassian gave her a quick kiss on her hair before beginning to gently extricate Jyn. “Jyn…time to go…”

She groaned as she came around. “Don’t wanna…still partying…”

“Right,” Leia said with a snort, taking out the umbrellas and sipping at her drink. “You’re a regular party animal. Ten-thirty on a Saturday night and you’re already ready for bed.”

“Go fuck yourself,” she slurred, attempting to flip Leia off and failing as Cassian helped her walk out. “I can walk on my _own_ ,” she said to him.

“You absolutely cannot,” he replied. She stumbled then, and if he hadn’t been holding her up with one arm around her waist and the other hand holding her arm around his neck, she would have fallen. “Let’s just get you home.”

Jyn was quiet on the ride back, and Cassian prayed that neither of their housemates would be around. Kay’s door, as usual, was shut, but Bodhi was in the kitchen making a late-night snack.

“Study break,” he explained, hefting the sandwich. “Jyn all right?”

Cassian shook his head. “Not really.” Bodhi winced.

“Looks like we’re making a giant hangover breakfast in the morning.”

“Yeah, it’s not going to be pretty. ’Night.”

Climbing the creaky stairs of the old house with Jyn as dead weight was both irritating and difficult. This seriously was _the third time_ this calendar year that this had happened, and Cassian was _sick_ of it. When they got to Jyn’s room, he disengaged himself from her, and she sank onto her bed. She hadn’t said anything else, and Cassian turned to go. He’d get her some water and crackers, and then he didn’t want to hear about this again.

“Why am I such a loser, Cassian?” she asked quietly when he was almost at the door.

He stopped and turned, sure he’d heard wrong. “What?”

Jyn’s eyes opened. Her cheeks were still flushed red, her makeup smudged, eyes glazed. “Why are all my relationships such a mess? Why can’t I find anyone?”

Cassian slowly approached her again. “Well…finding the right person is hard,” he offered lamely.

Jyn made a sound. “That’s so trite.”

“You’ve come to the wrong person if you want relationship advice.”

She kicked off her heels and swung her legs up on the bed, lying back and putting her hand over her eyes. “You don’t have to have relationships to give good relationship advice,” she said. Cassian’s chest constricted for one painful moment at that truth, and he slid his hands into his jeans pockets. She wasn’t trying to be cruel – she wasn’t wrong, after all – and it wasn’t as if he’d put any effort into finding anyone to date, but he also didn’t need it spelled out for him.

“I have some studying I need to finish up before Monday,” he said, watching her chest rise and fall. Her skirt clung to her in their un-air-conditioned house, and the hem had fallen haphazardly around her thighs. The rest of her legs was endless bare skin, and Cassian longed to run his hands over them in the _worst_ way. “I’ll get you some water and crackers.”

He gave her plenty of time to get ready for bed. When he returned, the light was off and the room was silent. He quietly called her name, but when she didn’t respond, he crept in, put the glass of water and sleeve of crackers on her nightstand, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

“Goodnight,” he murmured, and brushed her hair back. “It’ll be better in the morning.”

Cassian left her door open a crack and went to change into a t-shirt and shorts for bed. He washed up and was just putting a study plan together in his mind, wrenching it laboriously back into study mode when all he wanted was to go to sleep, when he heard it:

Stifled sobs.

He waited a moment to be sure he wasn’t hearing things.

But there it was again.

Cassian walked down the hall toward Jyn’s room again and pushed the door open. “Jyn? You okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, clearly not at all. “Just tired.”

“Okay.” He knew better than to press. “I’ll be up for a bit if you want to…if you need anything.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“I know. ’Night.”

Half an hour later, Cassian heard her footsteps coming down the hall toward him, and he looked up from his desk. Jyn did not look okay at all. Tears and alcohol and sweat and…she was a mess.

“Can I stay here tonight?” she asked, and sniffled. Cassian nodded.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “Yeah, of course.”

It wasn’t a big deal, really. They’d shared a bed countless times growing up, and even now, living together, they still did sometimes. It was comforting to both of them, and it never meant anything.

Only tonight, as Jyn got under his covers and Cassian slid in next to her, tucking his knees up under hers, causing her ass to bump back against his lap, pressing his chest to her back, wrapping his arms around her, he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.

He was not, he _was not_ , in love with her. He wasn’t. He never had been. It had always been a stupid crush, an infatuation, lust, even, when he was eighteen and horny. Jyn Erso was his best friend and like a sister to him. He wouldn’t trade the world for her friendship.

So it was fine. Fine that her skin was soft and she smelled so intoxicating beneath the layers of bar and alcohol and early fall without air conditioning. Fine that his hand ran up and down her arm and his breath sighed out against her neck, and she shivered. Fine that his nose touched the crook of her neck, and he squeezed his eyes shut hard.

_“You don’t have to have relationships to give good relationship advice.”_

It was his role, he knew: the brother figure. The best friend. The one Jyn always came to when a boy broke her heart, and she needed him to put the pieces back together. Or when she needed to laugh or do something or complain or work out or hike or study or go grab a bite to eat or a drink or she needed money. He was everything to her the way she was to him.

And Cassian Andor was nothing if not a pragmatic man, and he would never do anything, ever, to fuck that up.

So it was a damn good thing that he was absolutely, one hundred percent, _not_ in love with Jyn Erso.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia throws a house party. Jyn meets the suave Han Solo. Cassian dislikes him immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some old EU fun! ~~Because I absolutely refuse to believe it's not canon anymore.~~

Jyn was over her breakup by the next day. She swore off dating for the rest of the academic year, said she was just going to focus on her studies, and that was that.

Until Leia’s house party a month later.

Leia was celebrating the grand opening of Mara Jade’s exercise studio, which she’d paid for with a giant investment from her creepy mentor and trainer, Steve Palpatine. Mara was surly and thought the idea of a party was stupid, and Leia had already had to separate her brother Luke Skywalker and Mara twice before Jyn, Cassian, Bodhi, and Kay got there. When they walked in, Mara and Luke were at it again, in the middle of a violent philosophy debate.

“Just ignore them,” Leia muttered. “What do you guys want to drink?”

“Beer,” Jyn said. “Lots of beer.”

“Keg’s in the kitchen. Winter’s working it.”

Jyn made a face.

“What?” Leia said with her own face. “You think my best friend and housemate wouldn’t be here?”

“ _I’m_ your best friend,” Jyn said. “I just don’t want to see her and Tycho mooning all over each other.”

“They’ve gotten much better.”

“Gross,” Jyn said, and pushed past a couple party guests to get through to the kitchen. Cassian shrugged at Leia and followed her, leaving Kay standing awkwardly in the hallway adjusting a crooked painting, and Bodhi leaning against the bannister checking Facebook.

“Grab me a beer while you’re at it!” he yelled after Cassian, who waved a vague hand back at him to let him know he’d heard.

When they got to the kitchen, Winter was sitting on the counter and indeed dispensing drinks from the keg, with Tycho Celchu dutifully at her side, arm around her waist. They weren’t being disgusting, though, and were keeping what for them constituted a respectful distance.

“Hey, guys,” Winter said. She plucked two red cups off a stack and filled them up. Jyn and Cassian each took one, and Cassian asked for another for Bodhi. As Winter poured the beer, she said, “So I heard you swore off boys, Erso.” She passed the cup to Cassian, then drank the remains of her drink.

“Yeah, men suck,” Jyn said. “Present company excluded, of course.”

“Appreciate the exception,” Tycho said. Cassian glanced over at the blond Air Force pilot.

“Wasn’t talking about you, flyboy,” Jyn said. “Just because you’re home on leave doesn’t mean you get a pass.”

Tycho chuckled good-naturedly, and Winter smiled fondly at him. Just as Cassian opened his mouth to ask Winter how her MFA in theatre was going, Mara stormed in.

“You can’t tell me, _you can’t_ ,” she roared, heading straight toward the keg, “that you don’t agree with the death penalty in cases like war criminals.”

“No, I’m just saying that it’s not up to us to decide,” Luke said plaintively as he followed her. “‘Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?’”

“Are you kidding?” Mara blazed, yanking the dispenser from Winter’s fingers. “You’re quoting fucking _Tolkien_ at me, you nerd?”

“‘In this world, hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate.’”

“Oh, good, now I have the fucking _Buddha_ in my face.” She hurled the dispenser onto the counter, where it dribbled amber beer. “Because that’s what I need tonight, is a fat, laughing guy’s words of wisdom.”

“Actually,” Luke said as he traipsed after her again, “the historical Buddha wasn’t fat. That’s Hotei…”

Winter looked down at her nails and flicked one with her thumb. “So anyway…”

Jyn crossed her arms. “They need to fuck,” she said. “Get all that anger out. Just angry-fuck. Go at it. It would be good for them.”

Tycho snorted. “Like Luke would ever take the time. He lives for philosophy and ethics and making the world a better place, not for mundane things like normal human behavior.” He glanced at Cassian. “Like you, Captain Perfect.”

Cassian shook himself back to reality, his mind having wandered away as he watched Luke and Mara argue. “’Scuse me?”

“You and Luke both. You live for knowledge.” He gave a quick shrug. “I respect that, actually.”

“What, and I’m some bum?” Jyn said. “I’m getting a master’s, too, you know. You’re just going _pew, pew_ all day in your little plane.”

Tycho laughed again, and Jyn rolled her eyes at him.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said to Cassian. “Too much ego in here.”

“Don’t go upstairs, then,” Tycho said. “Wedge is up there.”

“Shut up, loser. His ego is not that bad. You’re just jealous.”

Tycho grinned. “Not really. I can at least talk to a girl.”

Jyn growled and tangled her hand with Cassian’s, then started to drag him out. Before they could leave, though, another man walked in, tall, dark, older. Jyn abruptly stopped.

“Move,” she ordered.

“No,” he replied. “Got someplace to be with your boyfriend? Upstairs is taken.”

“I don’t. But you’re in the way.”

“Just here for a beer, tiny. Calm down.”

Jyn’s eyebrows hiked up. _“Tiny?”_

“Watch it, Han,” Leia called from the living room. “This one bites.”

Jyn crossed her arms and stared up at the newcomer. “I do. Who the hell are you?”

“Han Solo,” he introduced himself, but didn’t put his hand out. Instead, he gave her an easy smile and leaned his elbow against the doorframe. “I work at the university in the theatre department. Carpenter.”

“I’m not going to make the obvious joke.”

“Good.” His gaze shifted to Cassian, who was barely shorter than him. “Going to introduce me to your boyfriend?”

“Best friend and housemate,” Jyn clarified. “Also pays most of my bills. This is Cassian. And I’m Jyn, by the way, not that you were polite enough to ask.”

“And what do _you_ do?” Han asked him, and Cassian narrowed his eyes. He already disliked this man, with his searing good looks, built body, styled hair, and plaid button-up with the sleeves rolled up to expose toned arms.

“I’m working on my master’s,” Cassian said flatly. “We both are.”

“Sounds like you should be studying.” Han smoothly inserted his body between Jyn and Cassian and leaned over Jyn, palm braced on the doorframe. “What about you, beautiful?”

“Oh, you think you’re so charming,” Jyn said, but Cassian could _see it_ , the way her cheeks flushed; he could _hear it_ , the way her voice went a little breathy.

Han leaned closer to Jyn. “Leia’s got a stash of good booze upstairs,” he murmured.

“You’re not supposed to know about that, Solo!” Winter yelled.

“That’s what you get for inviting me,” he called back, eyes never straying from Jyn’s face. “So what do you say?” he asked Jyn, who smiled slowly as her fingers slackened around Cassian’s.

“Sure,” she said, and Han took her hand, leading her away while Cassian stood there, dumbfounded, watching his life unravel before his eyes once again.

Jyn glanced back at him once, still smiling, making sure he was okay, because she would never ditch him like that. Yet still, she was, in a way.

He might have imagined it, but he thought he almost saw her face fall, just a tiny bit, when their eyes met.

\---

_Han said he’ll take me home._

Cassian woke to the creaking of the stairs and checked the time on his phone. It was three hours since he’d gone to sleep; five since she’d sent the text. Cassian’s blood boiled, and he raised his head up to watch down the hall. When Jyn ascended the last step, he growled,

“Have fun?”

She startled, paused a moment, then turned to come to his room. With a sigh, she sat on his bed and then lay next to him. She stank of Solo’s cologne, and Cassian was afraid to look at her, afraid of what he might find staring back at him.

“I hope I didn’t worry you,” Jyn said quietly. “I just needed to blow off some steam.”

“Yeah? And did you?”

Jyn was very still. Cassian’s heart thudded. He was wide awake now. “I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you mean.” Her voice was still quiet. Steady. Measured.

“Well. Good for you.”

“Where’s this coming from?” she asked, and it was as if a match had been struck, and she had flared to life again. “You got a problem with me dating?”

“No.”

“Jealous?”

“ _No._ Why would I be jealous of some loser like him? I just don’t want you to get hurt. And I wouldn’t call what you’re doing _dating_.”

“It’s not like I sleep around, Cassian.”

“I know that,” he said. “I’m just saying that guy is bad news.”

Jyn got up from the bed, and Cassian immediately missed her presence. When he sat up to look at her, he could see her smudged eye makeup in the moonlight, see her heavy, swollen lips. A pang hit his heart so hard and so sharp, that for a moment, he couldn’t breathe.

“What’s it going to take?” Jyn asked. “For you to like someone I date? Even if they’re your friends, you bash on them when I date them. I’d never do that to someone you were dating. I’d be _happy_ for you, for God’s sake.”

“Well, luckily we don’t have that problem. The two people we talked to at that party pretty much pointed out what a shitty catch I am, so you don’t have to worry about that at all, Jyn. You’re off the hook.”

Jyn scooped up an eraser from his desk and threw it at his head. “You’re an asshole.”

Cassian flung the covers back and got out of bed, storming up to her. Her eyes swept down his bare chest, just for a moment, and then returned to his, blazing with fury as she glared at him.

“By all means,” Cassian said in a low voice, “don’t let _me_ hold you back from making your poor choices. I’ve spent my whole life watching out for you – ”

“Well, maybe I don’t _need_ it!” she snapped, shoving him in the chest with both palms.

 _“Oi!”_ Bodhi shouted from downstairs. “We’re trying to sleep down here! Could you please have your drama at a more reasonable hour?”

“Yes, interrupted sleep is horrible on the human body!” Kay added.

Jyn spun and marched out of the room, but Cassian wasn’t about to let her win that easily. He followed her to her room, which made her even more furious. She slammed the door behind him.

“You’re not my big brother,” Jyn said. “You don’t have to pretend to be any longer. I’m a big girl now, Cassian.”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

“Right, it’s all my problem. Just like it was my fault prom night.” She looked down and rubbed her temples, then turned away again. She grabbed a tote bag and started stuffing clothes into it.

“What…?” Cassian breathed. She had never spoken a word about that night, not ever. Why was she bringing it up now?

But she only shook her head. “Just forget it. Forget I said anything.” She knelt by her beat-up dresser and pulled a charging cable out from under it. Then she stood again and faced Cassian. “Sometimes I just wonder…if you and I…”

Cassian’s heart began to race, and his mouth went dry. After a fight…surely she couldn’t…surely this wasn’t the moment… “If we what?” he asked tightly.

Jyn shook her head slowly. “If you and I should just stop. If we’re not meant to be friends, or in each other’s lives.”

Now Cassian shook his own head, vehemently, and he grabbed her arms. “ _No. No way. Never._ Jyn. Jyn. Listen to me, Jyn.” He tilted her chin up with the knuckle of his index finger. _“No.”_

She crumpled at that, and the fight was over. Jyn’s arms slid around Cassian’s bare chest, and a gasp escaped him at the feeling. Her cheek pressed into his skin, and she held him so, so tight.

“I know,” she murmured. The muscles of her face moved delicately against his chest, and Cassian swallowed _hard_. “I’m sorry.” She clenched him even tighter for just another moment, and then released him. Too soon. Her eyes shone in the moonlight. “I just don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t, either,” Cassian replied, brushing the dampness away from her eyes. “I get lonely, too. But I’m just not really dating material.”

Jyn sniffed and gave him a sad, but still so, so beautiful, smile. “Me, neither,” she said. “I’m a mess.” She laughed a little, and Cassian smiled back.

“You’re not,” he said. “You’re everything anyone could ever want. I’m just…” He shrugged helplessly. “Me.”

Jyn came in close again for another hug. “I like you just the way you are.”

Cassian rested his cheek on her head and stroked her hair, his eyes closing in contentment. This was as close as he’d ever get to holding Jyn like she was his girlfriend. His partner. His lover. She didn’t see him that way – she never had, and she never, ever would – but he thought of what it would be like to have her like that almost constantly. The silkiness of her hair, the way her big green eyes lit up, the way she lined them in black and layered her lashes with tons of mascara to make them bigger, how _so fucking incredible_ she smelled, how soft and smooth her skin was, the swish of her clothes, the roughness of her jeans, her huge smile and sweet laugh…

The way she sounded when she made love. Her moans, her breaths, her gasps, snatches of sounds Cassian heard while scrambling to put his headphones on. Sounds he hated but would store in a secret little box in the back of his mind to drag out occasionally, imagining they were in his ear, in his bed, for his body. Imagining he was holding her in a lovers’ embrace, her body surrounding his, her skin on his, nothing between them, bodies pressed together and moving, moving…

Jyn Erso was everything to him. He felt for her in a way he’d never felt for anyone else. He’d had crushes, dated here and there, been dumped and felt bummed over it, but nothing ever came close to the depth of feeling he had for Jyn, of the oceans of endless fondness he had for her. Nothing came close to the gut-wrenching heartache of the morning after prom night five years ago, the emptiness, when he not only realized it had meant nothing, _nothing_ , to her, but then thought he’d lost her altogether, too. All because he’d taken a chance.

Taken a chance and _lost_.

Jyn Erso didn’t want him. She wanted someone else. She didn’t know who, but it was someone not like him at all. Sure, the guys she dated all had similar features to Cassian, but that meant little. The girls Cassian had liked all had similar features to Jyn. It meant absolutely nothing.

Sleepiness stole over Cassian again, and he began to sway. “I’m going to go back to bed,” he mumbled, and began to pull away.

“Stay,” Jyn said, her hand catching onto the only piece of clothing he had on: the leg of his sleep shorts. Her fingers clenched the fabric, knuckles digging into the side of his thigh, and Cassian felt like he couldn’t breathe.

But he managed to get through it, and he curled up with her in her small bed, her back to his chest, Han Solo’s cologne in his nose.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han Solo is over at the house again. Cassian can't stand it and leaves to hang out with Leia -- who just roasts him with a very satisfied Mara Jade.

Cassian didn’t think it was possible, but Jyn’s relationship with Han Solo seemed to be working out. The real shocker was that she actually went back to the oaf the next week. And the next. And the next. In fact, two months later, she was still dating him. During midterms, he was over at the house again, apparently “quizzing” Jyn (what a fucking _joke_ ), and Cassian couldn’t stand the laughter and low, seductive purr of Han’s voice anymore (the headphones were beyond useless, because he _knew_ they were just down the hall in her room, probably _on her bed_ ). He texted Leia to ask if he could come over, and she said it was fine, but to pick up some Bailey’s on the way. So he did, and just when he was putting the stick in reverse to park on her driveway, the front door opened and out stumbled Luke. He shut the door behind him and wandered down the path, smiling serenely.

Cassian got out of his car, grabbed the Bailey’s and his backpack, and eyed the dazed Luke warily. “You all right?”

“Mara’s beautiful,” was all Luke said, like he’d just discovered the answer to the universe. He got in his Nissan Leaf, the damn hippie, and backed out of the driveway. The little car tootled away, and Cassian stared after it.

When he walked inside the house, Leia was at the kitchen table, flipping through a magazine with severe indifference, an untouched bowl of ice cream in front of her.

“The hell was that?” Cassian asked, pointing at the front door.

“Ugh,” Leia replied. She closed the magazine. “Got the booze?”

“Yeah, but…” He handed it over. “I have questions…?”

“Don’t.” She held up a hand. “Just…don’t.” Then she proceeded to open the Bailey’s and dump it all over her ice cream. “Want some?”

“I guess, if you want me to act like your twenty-year-old sorority sister at a sleepover.”

“Fine. It’ll just go to your hips anyway. And for the record, I _was_ going to offer to paint your nails, but now, forget it.” She twisted the cap back onto the bottle.

“No, thanks.” Cassian sat in the chair opposite her and set his backpack on the table. “I saw what you did to Bodhi last time.”

“Bodhi is such a forgiving person.”

“He’s too good for you.”

“I know.”

Footsteps pattered down the stairs, and Mara came into the kitchen. She was wearing a sports bra and workout shorts, and her red hair was big, bouncy, and completely in disarray.

“Thought I heard you guys talking about booze,” she said.

“Ah,” Cassian replied. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Mara got herself a bowl of ice cream, poured Bailey’s on it, and dropped down into a chair. She swung her feet up onto Cassian’s across from her, right in between his thighs. He jumped, but she didn’t react at all.

“Good ice cream,” Mara said as she turned the spoon over and let it melt on her tongue.

“My brother is very sensitive, you know,” Leia said. “You couldn’t have done this over at Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen’s house?”

“He said he was living with Uncle Ben now.”

“Oh, what the fuck ever. I can’t keep track of who’s taking pity on his altruistic ass these days.”

“I’m not going to bang your brother with old folks around.”

“But you could with _me_ around? That was his… You know he’s never done it before, right?”

Without meaning to, Cassian snorted, only half paying attention to the conversation, the other half of it on his textbook. He kept his eyes down when he sensed the women looking at him, but after a moment, they continued.

“It was pretty obvious, yes,” Mara said. “He was excited as a lil jackrabbit. It was kind of cute, kind of irritating.”

“It’s just that…I don’t think he’s ever really had a _thing_ for anyone before, really?” Leia said. “For the longest time I thought he was in love with Peter Singer.”

Mara frowned. “The hell’s that?”

“He’s a moral philosopher. He’s done a TED Talk.” Mara didn’t look fazed. “You can Google him.”

“It’s a good talk,” Cassian put in.

“Shut up, Andor,” Mara snapped. “When’s the last time _you_ got laid?”

Cassian shut up.

“Look, I’m not going to Google a TED Talk and I’m not going to Google a philosopher,” Mara continued. “You’re just going to have to deal with it, Leia.” She grabbed a handful of potato chips from an open bag sitting next to her, and she popped one into her mouth.

Then she turned on Cassian.

“So,” she said, “you and Erso. Mm?” Cassian raised his eyebrows and waited politely. “Are you guys… _y’know_.” She made the universal hand gestures for _y’know_. Cassian scowled.

“No, of course not,” he said. “We’re just friends.”

Not that he was going to remind them that she was dating that awful Solo guy.

“Really?” Mara asked, green eyes wide. “Just like… _friends_ friends?”

“Yes. Just friends.”

“Oh. Because I _definitely_ thought you guys were fuck buddies.”

“So does everybody else,” Leia remarked.

“Ah, no,” Cassian replied, hating the warmth he felt in his cheeks. “Nothing like that.”

Mara squinted. “ _Really?_ Because she’s kind of obsessed with you. Maybe you _should_ … _y’know_.” And without warning, she pushed her foot forward so that it poked him right in the crotch. He twitched away from her.

“Ugh! Mara!” he yelped with a glare. “What the fuck is your problem?”

But Mara only smiled. “Sounds like _you’re_ the one with the problem, Andor. I’m perfectly satisfied.”

 _“Ewwwwww,”_ Leia growled. She snatched the chips away from Mara’s side. “Give it up, Mara. Cassian doesn’t have sex. He’s devoted to his books.”

Cassian’s face flamed, and he turned his glare to Leia, but she was looking away, pouring more Bailey’s onto the pitiful bit of what was left of her ice cream.

“Wait,” Mara said with effort, like she couldn’t fathom this. “Like not now or not _ever_?”

“Both of you can just go fuck yourselves,” he said, standing up and slamming his book shut. His hands shook as he shoved it back into his bookbag.

In his haste to get out of the house, he forgot his phone and didn’t realize it until he was in his car. He closed his eyes and slammed his head back against the headrest, dreading going back in there. He swallowed and counted to himself, trying to calm down and slow his breathing.

A tap came at the window.

Cassian opened his eyes and looked over to see Mara, holding out his phone.

He rolled the window down.

“Thanks,” he snarled as he snatched it from her hand.

“Hey, wait – ” she said when he started to put the window back up. He stopped. Tucking a few strands of her red hair back when the wind blew it across her face, she said, “I don’t do apologies, but we were just roasting you back there. We didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Right. Goodnight, Mara.”

 _Your name means “bitter,” by the way,_ he thought. _It’s also the name of a demon. Fitting._

“No, just…” She paused, looking away from him for a second. “I mean…you and Erso have just always had this _thing_ , like…it’s always been weird, you know?”

“Yeah? Why do _you_ care?”

She shrugged. “You’re a good person, Cassian. You don’t deserve to live with regret.”

Warmth unfurled in Cassian’s chest at this completely uncustomary remark from Mara, this kindness he had never once seen from her. She was caustic, loud, brash, but that was just Mara Jade, and you either liked her or hated her (his opinion of her changed daily). Either way, you always knew what to expect from her. This, though, he never would have imagined in a thousand years.

“Also your pining is fucking obnoxious,” she added, and Cassian gave her the finger.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn loses interest in Han. Han wants to know why. He tries to “help” Cassian’s situation, and it blows up in Cassian’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Hope you enjoy the dramafest that is this chapter.

After midterms, Jyn’s interest in Han waned. He didn’t come over again, and she only went over to his apartment once. Then she stopped seeing him altogether. Cassian didn’t ask her about it, and she didn’t volunteer the information. Han was just…gone.

Which, truth be told, Cassian was perfectly content with.

As he sat in a coffee shop forcing his brain to stay awake to finish a paper early, two arms appeared in his peripheral vision, posted on his table.

“It’s eleven-thirty at night, and you’re studying again,” Han said. “Let’s go to the bar.”

“I’d really rather stay here, thanks,” Cassian said. “But you go on without me. Have a nice time. Pick up someone new.”

“That is exactly what I want to talk to you about. Now let’s go.”

That piqued Cassian’s curiosity, so he packed up and followed Han out of the shop to the bar across the street. They sat at the bartop, and Han ordered them whiskeys.

“She dumped me,” he said without preamble, wincing as his drink went down.

“I noticed,” Cassian replied. “Sorry ’bout that.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re _real_ sorry. You hated me.”

“Oh, not subtle enough?”

“So why is that?” Han tossed back the rest of his drink, snagged the bartender for another.

“Really, we’re going to do this?” Cassian said, making a face.

“Fine, you need more liquor in you to talk? Fine. Pick your poison. I wanna know why Jyn dumped me.”

“Truth is I don’t know.”

“I got that whole house of women cawing at me about it. Winter, Mara, Leia, all of ’em. ‘What did you do to Jyn? What did you do to Jyn?’ I did _nothing_ to Jyn!”

Cassian shrugged and finished his drink. “Maybe she just doesn’t like self-important assholes.”

“And who’s she going to go for? You?”

“No.”

“But maybe she should.”

“But maybe I’m not having this conversation with you,” Cassian said. “Thanks for the drink.”

Cassian started to go, but Han grabbed his sleeve and kept him on the barstool. “I’m not an idiot, kid,” he said in a low voice. “I know when someone’s got it bad for someone else, and me and Leia, we’ve become friends through Winter at the theatre. You are _gone_ for Jyn.”

This was officially the worst semester of Cassian’s entire life. The amount of _drama_ in it was just…it was unreal!

“Fine,” he grumbled before attempting to shove Han’s hand off his sleeve. “Now can I go home, please?”

“She dumped me cuzza you, didn’t she?” Han shook Cassian’s sleeve. “Didn’t she?!”

This time Cassian did break Han’s grip on him. “Look, I don’t know anything about it, okay? Swear to God.”

Han slid his second whiskey over to Cassian. “Sorry,” he muttered. Cassian nodded and drank it down, having the feeling that alcohol was the only way he was going to get through this encounter. “Leia just said you were over the night that awful Mara chick cashed in her brother’s V-Card, and I don’t know, Jyn was weird after that. I thought maybe you had something to do with it. Mara, she can get these thoughts in her head, you know, and Leia’s real headstrong, too.”

Cassian couldn’t help it. He let out a hell of a laugh. “You’re just now figuring that out?”

“Oh, no,” Han said with a shake of his head. “Learned that one real fast.”

“I’d love to see you try with Leia,” Cassian said. “She’d punch you in the _face_.”

Han quirked a corner of his mouth up in a smile. “I just might.”

Cassian immediately regretted saying anything.

“Have another drink,” Han said. “And let’s talk about why _you_ haven’t banged Jyn yet.”

\---

It was past 2:30 in the morning when Cassian crept into Jyn’s room, bombed out of his mind.

“Jyn,” he whispered when he drew up next to her bed. “Jyn!”

She groaned in her sleep and turned her head away from him. “Cassian, I swear to God I am going to kill you if you’re waking me up to get your shorts back.”

“No, I…what shorts?”

“The ones I sleep with without underwear on. With.”

Even drunk, the mental image flared bright and clear in Cassian’s mind.

“Uh – ”

“Go _awaaaay_ ,” Jyn moaned. Then she wriggled around under the covers for a moment, before holding her arm up to him. His shorts dangled from her hand. “Here,” she croaked. “Now go the fuck to sleep.”

“Wait, then, are you not…are you not wearing any underwear now?!” Cassian’s pulse was hammering and he was way beyond wasted and holy shit was he turned on by this. But this was _not_ how this was supposed to go.

Jyn dropped the shorts at his feet, then turned over in the bed, away from him. Cassian sat down next to her legs.

“I talked with Han,” he said.

“He’s an asshole.”

“I know. But he was sad you broke up, and…anyway…um…he was right about some stuff. I’m kinda awkward and I guess I should’ve said something a long time ago, but…I’m your density.”

Dead silence took over the room, except for the creaking of crickets. Cassian wasn’t entirely sure how well he’d done, but he felt pretty good about it.

Jyn slowly rolled back over. Sat up.

“Cassian,” she said slowly, patiently, “are you high?”

“No. I don’t know where to get drugs.”

“Are you drunk?” she continued in the same tone.

“Yes,” he said. “Very.”

“Get out of my room. Now.”

Her icy tone shot straight into his brain and propelled him into action, and he quickly got up and retreated. “You wanna come sleep with me tonight?” he asked.

“I’m going to punch you.”

“Okay. We’ll talk in the morning.”

It wasn’t until he’d showered, gotten ready for bed, and laid on his mattress for over an hour trying to sleep that he began to sober up and realize just what, exactly, he had done.

Shortly after that, when he’d thought through every scenario for how to undo the damage he’d done, and found there was no way out, and despair had set in, he grabbed his bedside lamp, ripped it out of the wall, and hurled it across the room with a curse. The lightbulb shattered somewhere in the dark, but Cassian couldn’t care less.

_“Fuck!”_ he screamed, knowing he was just making things worse because half the street could probably hear him, but at the same time, still not caring. He pounded his fist on the cheap nightstand, catching the side of his palm on a sharp edge and ripping it open before the piece of furniture collapsed to the floor. _“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”_

Then he curled up in a ball, and he prayed for sleep.

\---

Cassian only got out of bed in the morning to throw up and get some water. He lay in bed, listening to his housemates getting ready, and he stared up at the ceiling and wished he could just die. His head pounded, his mouth tasted of cotton, and nausea roiled in his stomach.

No one came to check on him. After what felt like forever, after constant prayers of _Please go, please go_ , the house was silent.

He went back to sleep for a couple hours and skipped his morning classes. When he woke up again, he didn’t feel any better. He knew better than to keep his stomach empty and not treat his hangover, but all he wanted to do was stay in bed. Finally, he forced himself to get up, and he shuffled to his door.

When he opened it, he found a plate of toast, crackers, a granola bar, a glass of water, and a bottle of ibuprofen waiting on the floor.

The sight of it, knowing someone cared, just made him feel worse.

Still, he ate the food and took the painkillers.

Then he went back to bed again.

\---

The knock came on his door in the evening, when the sun had started going down.

“What,” Cassian mumbled.

The door opened, and the soft footsteps that approached his bed told him it was Jyn. Cassian closed his eyes tighter and curled in on himself, flushing with humiliation.

“You should eat some dinner,” she said. “You’re just going to feel worse if you don’t.” She shifted for a few moments, probably looking for a place to put the food now that he’d destroyed his nightstand. Jyn forced out a laugh. “Do you remember that hangover I had two years ago after – ”

“Thanks for the food.” Without opening his eyes, he turned over and away from her.

She didn’t walk away.

Instead, she sat next to him and rested her hand on his shoulder.

“Cassian,” she murmured. “Don’t do this. Please.”

“I think I’ve done enough,” he said.

“We _all_ say dumb stuff when we’re drunk. You’ve been there for most of my dumb stuff.”

“Did you fuck him?”

She waited a beat before speaking again. “What?”

“Han Solo. Did you fuck him?”

“N…no, I…I didn’t,” she answered haltingly. “It really wasn’t anything serious. Why?”

“I hate that man.”

“I know you do. If it makes you feel any better, he’s sniffing out Leia now.”

“Poor Leia.”

“Right?”

They didn’t speak again, and a few moments passed in silence. Finally, Jyn squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll see you later, then. Let me know if you need anything.”

Cassian didn’t.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Jyn finally get their you-know-what together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for [TinCanTelephone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone/works?fandom_id=9162187)/[@cats-&-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/) for all the encouragement and pep-talking and cheerleading and for just being an awesome frand in general. <3

Cassian didn’t have any classes the next day, but the rest of the house did. He spent the time cleaning up his room and catching up on work he’d missed. He even followed through on his overnight resolution to branch out and talk to more people, start socializing and maybe even start dating again.

Luke – the first part of Cassian’s new resolution – proved to be very irritating company, and Cassian cut their lunch short. Still, the happy-go-lucky idealist made Cassian feel somewhat better about the situation with Jyn, with his contagious optimism. When Cassian returned to his house, he found her in the living room with her legs tucked up to the side under her on the sofa, watching TV.

He took a breath, and he headed into the room.

“Documentary,” she explained with a smile. “I’m not screwing around when I should be doing homework.”

“I’m not judging,” Cassian said as he slid his backpack off his shoulder to the ground. “Anything good?”

“Nah, nothing I don’t already know. Kind of a disappointment.”

“Hate when that happens.” He sat next to her, not too close, not too far away, and crossed his arms over his chest (he couldn’t help it). They watched in silence for an excruciating five minutes, until the commercial.

Jyn flipped the TV off and turned to him.

“Cassian – ” she started, but he held his hand up right away.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he said.

“Well, I think we should, so…” The look on her face told him there was no way he was getting around this. “Bodhi and Kay will be home in a little bit, so do you want to go somewhere else?”

“Sure, sure, fine,” Cassian said with resignation, standing from the couch. He picked up his backpack and led the way to his room. Jyn shut the door, and Cassian set about trying to repair his junky nightstand when she sat on the bed. He’d hoped he’d be able to get away with not having to have A Talk, but she wasn’t speaking yet, so he had to stop fiddling with the nightstand (which was already well beyond saving anyway). Defeated, Cassian sank down next to her.

She smelled so good.

“I don’t want what happened to change anything,” Jyn started. “I know you were really drunk, and Han was just trying to help in his own jacked-up way. I know we both just want to forget it happened.”

“Yeah,” Cassian said, looking down at his hands in his lap as they rubbed together. “Sure. Yeah. That would be good. That was pretty humiliating.” His mind ran back over her words, and his head came up. “What do you mean, Han was trying to help?”

Jyn’s brows drew together. “Leia said he wanted to know why I broke up with him, and then he tried to get you to say you liked me, or…something…” She trailed off. “I don’t know; it was all so weird…”

“Yeah, he kept badgering me about it,” Cassian said. “Why _did_ you dump him?”

Now Jyn reddened, and she stared unwaveringly at him. “I don’t know. Leia said something, and I just thought Han was probably the wrong person for me.”

_Leia said something._

“When?” Cassian asked.

“That night you left when Han was over. When Mara and Luke got together. It wasn’t a big deal.”

She was backpedaling. Retreating.

Cassian pressed his advantage.

“What did she _say_?”

“Oh…you know how Leia is…Mara too…” Jyn waved her hand, as if dismissing it all. “Then Han got all weird on you? Made you creep into my bedroom like a stalker?”

“Yeah, Han doesn’t know what he’s talking about, either,” Cassian said. Jyn had turned the focus back on him, and now _he_ was the one backing down.

“Right,” Jyn agreed with a firm nod. “So…all’s well that ends well, yeah? Over and forgotten?” She held her hand out, like they were making a deal.

“Sure,” Cassian said as he took it, looking deep into her green eyes, watching as she stared back into his. “If you’ll tell me why you brought up prom two months ago, and why you did what you did back then.”

Jyn’s mouth dropped open, and she released Cassian’s hand as if burned. “That was a long time ago,” she said. “We were stupid high school kids.”

“You know it hurt me, Jyn,” Cassian said. “You know it did. But you let it go. You _insisted_ it be let go.”

She leaned away, just a little bit. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. We were drunk. I didn’t want things to get weird between us.”

“So you just let it go. Avoided me. Didn’t talk to me about it.”

“I didn’t know what to _say_.”

“And now, you just…you don’t even have the answers _now_?” Cassian looked away and shook his head, mouth pressed together. “I can’t do this, Jyn. I can’t.”

“Can’t do what?” Her hand reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “Cassian?”

“What are we even talking about?” he asked. “We’re not even talking about _anything_.”

“Just…trying to get things back on track,” she said. “That’s all. Right?”

“Fuck you!” he snapped, shooting up from the bed and glaring down at her, fists clenched. She looked wounded, but he didn’t regret his words, nor did he regret what he was going to say next: “I’m in love with you! I have been for years!”

He stared at her, watched as she looked away from him, as her hands tightened on his mattress. He waited and he waited, giving her time, allowing her to process it. He had nothing else to lose. It didn’t matter anymore.

Just when his fists were starting to hurt from clenching so hard, Jyn reached out blindly and wrapped her hand around one. She gently urged him down next to her again, and when she turned her face toward him again, her eyes were wet.

“Cassian,” she whispered, raising her hands to brush them back over his cheeks, “I’m in love with you, too.”

The words came as a complete shock to him, and she gave him time to process, too, leaning her forehead against his and breathing out ragged breaths as she held his face to hers, holding tight as if afraid to let go. The first word out of his mouth, once he could speak again, was, _“What?”_

Jyn sniffled. “I know,” she whispered. “I know, I know. Just…” She inched closer to him, shakily, so tentatively, and he waited, he waited, until her face tilted to the side and her lips touched his. She tasted of salty tears. “Kiss me back,” she whispered against his lips. _“Please.”_

Yet still, he hesitated, and Jyn inhaled a sharp, raspy breath. _“Please,”_ she said again, her voice near a whimper. “I won’t push you away this time. I won’t push you away ever again. Please kiss me, Cassian…”

So he did, just a little, so afraid of being hurt again, but this time she was the one who pressed herself closer to him, who held him tight and kissed him over and over and over, whispering _“I love you”_ every chance she could. Cassian could hardly speak, so he didn’t, his senses overloaded with _her, her, her…_ Jyn gently pushed on his shoulders, and he let her, laying back and taking her with him. It was a bit weird, and a part of his mind couldn’t disengage enough from that reality. The past two months had been so odd, and, if Cassian had to be honest, somewhat disastrous. To finally be in this place – to really, actually _be kissing Jyn_ – felt surreal.

The kisses were innocent, asking for nothing, soft, quiet, and when they stopped, Jyn just looked down at him, her arms curled to her chest between the two of them. Cassian stroked the backs of his fingers down her cheek.

“Where do we go from here?” he asked, his voice catching.

“I don’t know,” Jyn said. “Where do you want to go?”

“Why did you kiss me on prom night?”

Jyn lowered her head, and Cassian thought she was going to shut him down again. But when she looked back up at him, she had a smile on her face. “Because I already liked you so much, and I was dying to know what it felt like to kiss you and touch you. I got too brave, and it happened, and then I was so ashamed and afraid I’d messed up our friendship that I felt like I _had_ to pretend it didn’t happen. I’m sorry I hurt you. And Han, I dumped him as soon as Leia told me about you being over at their house, and how you acted and… Oh, Cassian, I wish I’d known.”

He frowned. “Known what?”

“How you felt.”

Cassian couldn’t help but snort. “Apparently I was obvious to a lot of people.”

Jyn chuckled. “Fair enough. I guess I was in denial, too. I was afraid you’d reject me after what I’d done prom night. And I was so scared of ruining things.” She took his hand and interlaced their fingers, then brought it up to her lips to kiss it. “Thank you for being patient with me, and for taking a chance.”

“I think I would have waited forever for you, Jyn,” Cassian said. She smiled again and cradled his hand to her cheek.

“I know you would have.”

They would have a lot more to figure out, Cassian knew, the least of which was telling their friends. The biggest part for him was how he was going to adjust to this new status with his best friend. How did one go from simply being friends, to being boyfriend/girlfriend? Jyn had had friends with benefits before, so she had been a in a similar situation, but Cassian never had. He’d only had his few girlfriends, and they’d all gone the “traditional” route of him asking them out on dates, deciding they were going to be a thing, etc.

He was completely, one hundred percent clueless.

He was also completely, one hundred percent sure he didn’t want to fuck this up.

It was exhilarating, kissing Jyn, feeling her body against his, running his hands over her skin, having his fantasies come true. At the same time, as his body tingled and came alive at the contact, he felt twinges of embarrassment for all the times he’d laid or kneeled in this very room thinking about her, his eyes closed, his mind focused, wishing for this very future. He was utterly helpless against her tide, and he was scared as hell. As he’d said to her earlier, he wasn’t really dating material. He was awkward and quiet, intensely focused on his master’s, and he was the exact opposite of fun.

But Jyn was in love with him.

Jyn Erso…was in love with _him_.

Cassian didn’t know how or why or when that had happened, but he wasn’t about to question it. They talked a little in between light kisses, just little jokes and questions and comments, and his heart beat far too hard. Her hair was just as soft as he’d always imagined, when he’d wondered what it would be like to run the strands through his fingers. Her lips were heaven, and he wondered what she tasted like everywhere else. Her hands were gentle, her fingers delicate and curious as they caressed over him.

Yes, Cassian thought as her tongue pressed against his lips, and as he willfully granted her entrance into his eager mouth. He was definitely terrified. He had every reason to be. He was as terrified as he was exhilarated. This…hesitancy between them, he could feel that it wasn’t going to last, that they were just holding back their feelings for each other, from what they really wanted to do.

How long, Cassian wondered, would this last? Would they – would _he_ – be in too deep too fast?

He swallowed. “Did you ever,” he asked tentatively, “think about me? When you were…alone?”

“All the time,” Jyn whispered without hesitating. Her mouth opened and she kissed him particularly deeply. “Every time I came with other guys I thought about you, too.”

_Whoa!_

Cassian’s eyes flew open and a jolt of electricity shot out through his entire nervous system and struck sparks down south. He wasn’t expecting _that_ kind of answer.

His hips pushed up against hers and she let out the sweetest little high-pitched moan before grinding down against him. This could get out of control _fast_. Not that he thought they were going to have sex right _now_ , but he really didn’t want them to jump in the sack right away. He wanted to date her, really date her, and take things slow.

“Let’s slow down a bit,” he murmured, taking her by the shoulders and leaning back into the pillow.

“Don’t really want to,” Jyn said, but she stopped anyway. “All these years of waiting for you, and you’re going to make me wait even longer.”

“What’s the rush?” Cassian said, and even he winced internally at how choir-boy and PBS After School Special that sounded. _Seriously? Seriously, Cassian?_

Jyn side-eyed him. “Have you never been laid before? I don’t actually know.”

Heat crept into his cheeks. “Jyn…”

She dropped her head to his chest, hands fisting his shirt, and blew out a breath, her whole upper body huffing it out. “I know you’re right,” she replied in a muffled voice. “I’ve just wanted to be with you for such a long time, and it’s my fault for not saying anything, and all I want is just…to _be_ with you. Every way I can.”

Cassian reached out and stroked his fingers through her hair, and the scent of her shampoo wafted up to his nose. Fresh, floral, and beautiful. “I know,” he said. “Me, too. Can’t you tell?”

Jyn’s body shook as she chuckled. “Yes, I can. It’s kind of uncomfortable.”

He smiled and leaned his head back with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling. “Yeah, I don’t know where we go from here, either. It’s just going to take some time.”

“Mm.” Her hand found his and held it, and she let out her own sigh of contentment. “I love you, Cassian,” she said quietly.

“I love you, too, Jyn,” he said. “I always have.” He paused for just a moment, and he wrapped his free arm tight around her. “I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re done! I would really like to write a sequel to this, and I have some ideas, but they’re vague things like “Cassian and Jyn being really awkward around each other and their friends and trying to do the dating thing” and “Cassian and Jyn making out a lot and having sex a lot.” It’ll probably be kind of filthy ~~I’m not sorry~~. I mean...unless you guys don't WANT that... ;) Been an awful long time since I've posted any all-the-way smut.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://thestarbirdfromtheashes.tumblr.com) for lots of RebelCaptain stuff and snippets of my WIPs!


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